Come back to your first love...

I know that it has been a while since my last post. I guess I was trying to find something meaningful to say, something interesting...something that would stir people's souls.

Well here I am, back on blog spot, and I finally had a moving moment...I told myself that I didn't want to say too much on this blog, I wanted to maintain some privacy and I definitely would not want something I said here to come back and bite me years down the line. But I also think that some of the things that I have experienced, and some of the lessons I have learned can be helpful for other people in their lives. All I've ever wanted to do is share love with others, and I guess here is my opportunity.

My father teaches Sunday School at our church in Jersey City and when I was in high school I remember asking him why it seemed like every Sunday he was teaching about love. He explained that love is what it's all about, regardless of what text he spoke from, the message always seemed to go back to love. We are supposed to love each other, love our neighbors, love or families, love our friends, love our enemies.

It is so funny how God will keep showing you something until you get it clear. From a young age, I understood that love is what it was all about...when I wanted to get a tattoo, and I had to think of something meaningful, I decided to get the word love in Swahili. It made perfect sense to me, I understood that if I shared love with others and if I made my life about loving God, everything would be okay.

I've always been the type of person to forgive people easily, and to say that I loved my enemies, I ask God to forgive me for the times that I held grudges, but for the most part I can say with sincerity that I don't really hold grudges, there is no one that I hate. I don't say that to say how great I am, its only because God has shown me so much mercy, He has forgiven and forgotten everyone of my mistakes, even the times that I knowingly disobeyed his commandments, he still loved me. So if someone perfectly righteous can forgive someone like me, I can definitely let go of some petty bitterness about alleged rumors spread or unkind words.

I understood the part about loving others, that was easy, I don't like confrontation or awkwardness so for me loving others and embracing strangers and enemies was not too much of a struggle. Where I fell short, and where I continue to struggle is knowing where to seek love.

This is where I reveal myself, for most of my life my friends have joked that I am so boy crazy. I always had a crush on someone or another, and for the most part it was harmless. As I got older, and especially once I came to college, it became my burden....

The reason I'm going to share all this is because I know in my heart that there is another woman or young woman who has had similar experiences or who is headed down the same path.

I came to college single and innocent. I was looking forward to making life-long friends and having fun, but most of all I always was looking for a boyfriend/husband. It is sad when I look back at how available I made myself. I longed for the comfort of having the guy who would console me when I was upset, who would be there after a long day with classes and activities to tell me that despite everything, I was smart, beautiful and everything a man would want. I wanted to be wanted. I won't lie, I also liked the feeling of being able to silently brag to other women when I would walk into the dining hall or into a program with a man on my arm.

That was a mistake. Stormie Omartian quotes Lisa Bevere in her book The Power of a Praying Woman; "[For centuries women have] wrestled and waged war with the sons of Adam in an attempt to get them to bless us and affirm our value. But this struggle has left us frustrated at best...In the end, it is all a senseless and exhausting process in which both parties lose. It is not the fault of the sons of Adam; they cannot give us the blessing we seek, and we have frightened them by giving them so much power over our souls." Omartian sums it up best herself, "Too often we expect [men] to meet the needs that only God can fill. And then we are disappointed when they can't. We expect too much from them when our expectations should be in God."

Looking back on all my failed attempts at building relationships, I laugh, but I also cry. I remember guys who I baked for, guys whose calls I'd wait for, guys who I'd go out of my way to please and accommodate, and guys who I gave too much to. I know now that I am precious to God, and that if I want to truly live for Him and to truly enjoy the happy relationship He would have for me, I would have to learn patience, and I would have to seek Him first. I'm sad that it has taken me this long to realize it, but above loving others/my enemies...I needed to learn to love God and myself.

My body is supposed to be His temple, and it is supposed to be holy and acceptable to God, and when I made the decision to give it to other people, I began to distance myself further and further from God and from the plan He had for me.

I remember my father talking about how we each struggle with different things, and as Christians we need to be mindful of how we conduct ourselves because something that may not lead us astray could lead someone else astray. For someone else it may have been alcohol,for another person it may have been gossip, but for me it has always been a combination of lust and longing.

I used to let fear get the best of me, and it stole my self-esteem for quite some time. People who know me will find that hard to believe, because I have always appeared to be confident, but I was confident in my intelligence, my opinions, and my actions...but I was never really sure of my worth. If someone asked me to talk about politics or current events I could do it without trepidation, but if someone told me to make my needs or expectations clear to a guy who I was interested in, I would cower like a shammed dog.

I can't begin to think of how many times I would go into physical encounters with boys expecting that the result would be a passionate love affair where I would be respected and cherished the way that I knew my dad loved my mom. Yet I had all those expectations, and I was looking for it in all the wrong places. I was placing all my hope in a guys hands that had not even earned that privilege.

For a long time I had been trying to figure out why my walk with Christ and why my spirituality seemed to be moving at snail-like pace. I had accepted God into my life years ago, and I genuinely believe in Him, but I kept backsliding, and I never seemed to experience the fullness and the contentedness and the discernment that I know I should have. Again and again I would fall short, and almost always dealing with the same issue...I kept hoping that each time it would be different, that this guy would be the one to commit to me and shower me with love. I always felt that I had it all going for me, I am honor student, some say I'm pretty, I am a leader, I have all my needs met, but the one thing I was missing is a companion.

I had a nightmare the other day where I ran into my best friend and she was engaged, and I congratulated her and then she started moving further and further away from me, until I was basically insignificant to her. That has often been a fear of mine, that I would be the last one standing, single and lonely. I realize now, that I do risk missing out on my destiny, the companion and lifelong friend that I desired. My whole life I've been told that I have amazing maternal instincts, patience and a nurturing spirit. I risk not having the children that I have dreamed of because I am looking for those things in all the wrong places. Instead I need to look to God, to come back to my first love, and if I focused on finding His favor and doing what is right, all those things would fall into place. No man can complete me, and I need to stop expecting that, because in reality I need to work on letting God complete me.





Beautifully Made-Leah Smith