I want to tell you a secret.....I'm Single

****First, I want to dedicate this post to Denita, I really appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me, and remind me of my commitment to God in such an important way. I've often spent days crying about negative things people have said, so at the very least I can spend a few sentences thanking you for your support and appreciation. You are a blessing.****

On another note, this post has been a long time in the making, its taken me years to come to this point of pure bliss, and its taken me months to come back to this blog. So for all 5 of you who read my blog; thanks for reading, and my apologies for the delay.

I remember when I was about 13 years old and me and my girlfriends started hanging out at the movie theater, I remember that feeling of exclusion and rejection, as many of the girls went with the ulterior motive of meeting up with a pseudo-boyfriend. I'll probably never forget that feeling. I'm sure its the same feeling as being the last kid to get picked for baseball...you have to wonder, 'whats wrong with me?' I wondered why I didn't have a boy to sneak off with.

I carried that question with me for years. People always judge the single girl of the group. The assumption is that there must be something wrong with her, it's her bitter attitude that keeps her alone. I somehow allowed myself to accept that ideology. That there must be something wrong with me. None of the high school boys that chased my girlfriends asked me out because I was perhaps too tall, or too mouthy or too nerdy or too this or that.

If you've read this far, please don't think that I'm about to post about a revelation that happened to me in a dream, As I've said many times before, I'm a work in progress...there are no overnight developments, just struggles each day to feel needed, beautiful and valuable. What did happen is that I am beginning to see through the illusion.

The world that we live in, and particularly the "black community" has painted an ugly picture of the ubiquitous "single black woman." She is unhappy and a perpetual hater. I'm sure you are all channeling Pam before she started dating Tommy. We all know that deep down that she didn't get along with Martin because she was suppressing jealousy toward her girl Gina. At least that is what we've been made to believe. The single girl is just an accessory for her friends, because clearly she has no life outside of offering bad advice and being the third wheel on dates. Since she doesn't have a man, she must find ways to fill her lonely and meaningless time.

That life isn't for me. In fact, I realize that in many ways its a fabrication. Call me a conspiracy theorist, but in some ways, I feel like that "single black woman" image has been constructed by men or a patriarchal structure to create dependency. It's a way to keep women feeling desperate and inadequate as long as they are flying solo. Somehow being single has been portrayed as a punishment for bad behavior. Maybe you don't wear enough makeup, or maybe you wear too much. The relationship experts will tell you that you have to keep trying...if you are doing it right, one day you'll find success.

I'll be honest, for far too long, I would pray each night that God would bless me with a boyfriend. I had hoped and prayed that I would be able to get it together before I graduated from college. I knew the data, long before I saw the Nightline special.



.... a college educated black woman has a very small chance of getting picked for the team.


I get it. But I definitely do not have the energy to give all my thoughts on that debate, if there is one. This is a more personal entry, I can't speak to national trends (nor do I want to open that can of worms.) I just know about how I've felt after my parents family asked me "why don't you have a boyfriend?" You can't imagine what it feels like to graduate cum laude and amidst all of the hugs at your graduation party,all your family wants to know is why you are single.

I want to be honest and admit that with all my feminist ideology, ambition and political knowledge, I fell prey to all the aforementioned pathologies and pressures. I too felt inadequate because I was moping around during most of my teen and early adult years waiting and praying for a boyfriend. I expected this man to complete me, I expected him to assuage all my fears, and to provide a satisfaction that as I mentioned in my previous post, only God can provide.

What I'm really learning is to not only get over this fear of being single for the rest of my life ::shudder:: but to also flourish in my independence. Don't get me wrong, it is not that I no longer desire that committed, monogamous, life long relationship...It's that I've learned to appreciate the here and now.

I've learned to stop biding my time, my time flying solo is not to be used as my time to "prepare" myself for when the right guy comes along. I now realize that there is a dichotomy that has been set up when it comes to companionship; either your happy or you are unhappy, in a relationship or single. One is right and the other is wrong. But let me let you in on my secret, it's been one I've tried to run away from for most of the past decade....I'm single. Here is the kicker, I love it.

Being single is not a punishment or purgatory. In fact it is a blessing. For the first time almost ever, I sincerely feel content with my own companionship. I know some of you will read this and say "shes just trying to make herself feel better" and for a long time, that is what I was doing. But the beauty of it all, is I am finally seeing my solitude as a completeness instead of an inadequacy.

Breaking free from years of conditioning and pressure is not simple. But when I thought about what I was sacrificing, it is definitely worth the struggle. I recognize that in many ways I allowed what many would consider to be a shortcoming, to prevent me from living to my fullest potential. Rather then focusing on my interest and chasing my dreams, I've been spending far too much time chasing the man I think will fulfill my dreams.

I'm no longer trying to re-conceive my solitude, justify it or validate it. Instead I genuinely feel content in it.

Some men are getting ready to "hide your wives" for fear that I might bring some of my independent, single black woman sass and defiance into your relationship. I am not trying to jealously break up relationships with trust issues and bitterness, as many black men often fear. Instead I am harboring sincere happiness for those in my circle who are in happy relationships. It makes my heart smile when I see some of my favorite couples together, not because I'm longing for the day that I may be one of them, but because I see their joy and I am happy to be surrounded by it.

It is easy to feel happy for others when you are happy for yourself.

I realize that I've been sitting on the sidelines, missing my opportunity to jump in because I was waiting on a partner. When I recognized all the excitement of youth, it gave me the push I needed to let go of outside pressure and my own insecurities and enjoy getting to know me.

In the few short months that I've been enjoying my relationship status, I have learned how to spend time with myself, and enjoy that time. I've seen myself experience a contentedness that I have never experienced before. I'm experiencing an optimism that would have been impossible to experience if I spent each day wondering why I am single and trying to figure out what to do about it. There is so much beauty and potential in youth, yet I've been letting it pass me by because I thought I needed a man to enjoy it with me.

I recognize the beauty in relationships, ...but I also know that I have to cherish these moments of independence. I realize how exhausting relationships can be, and I know that in order for them to work out well, both people have to feel confident enough with themselves to make sacrifices and compromise.

Yet the secret is, for however long I'm single...I'll be working on building that confidence for my own benefit, not just as a preparation for a future relationship.

In fact....and if you've read already down here...you should realize that not only am I content with my "solitude" but despite stereotypes, I am flourishing in it.

**Special shout out to my best friend Iman, Kelly and the book "Last one Down the Aisle Wins" by Shannon Fox and Celeste Liversidge for listening to my musings, tears and helping me make progress**

Come back to your first love...

I know that it has been a while since my last post. I guess I was trying to find something meaningful to say, something interesting...something that would stir people's souls.

Well here I am, back on blog spot, and I finally had a moving moment...I told myself that I didn't want to say too much on this blog, I wanted to maintain some privacy and I definitely would not want something I said here to come back and bite me years down the line. But I also think that some of the things that I have experienced, and some of the lessons I have learned can be helpful for other people in their lives. All I've ever wanted to do is share love with others, and I guess here is my opportunity.

My father teaches Sunday School at our church in Jersey City and when I was in high school I remember asking him why it seemed like every Sunday he was teaching about love. He explained that love is what it's all about, regardless of what text he spoke from, the message always seemed to go back to love. We are supposed to love each other, love our neighbors, love or families, love our friends, love our enemies.

It is so funny how God will keep showing you something until you get it clear. From a young age, I understood that love is what it was all about...when I wanted to get a tattoo, and I had to think of something meaningful, I decided to get the word love in Swahili. It made perfect sense to me, I understood that if I shared love with others and if I made my life about loving God, everything would be okay.

I've always been the type of person to forgive people easily, and to say that I loved my enemies, I ask God to forgive me for the times that I held grudges, but for the most part I can say with sincerity that I don't really hold grudges, there is no one that I hate. I don't say that to say how great I am, its only because God has shown me so much mercy, He has forgiven and forgotten everyone of my mistakes, even the times that I knowingly disobeyed his commandments, he still loved me. So if someone perfectly righteous can forgive someone like me, I can definitely let go of some petty bitterness about alleged rumors spread or unkind words.

I understood the part about loving others, that was easy, I don't like confrontation or awkwardness so for me loving others and embracing strangers and enemies was not too much of a struggle. Where I fell short, and where I continue to struggle is knowing where to seek love.

This is where I reveal myself, for most of my life my friends have joked that I am so boy crazy. I always had a crush on someone or another, and for the most part it was harmless. As I got older, and especially once I came to college, it became my burden....

The reason I'm going to share all this is because I know in my heart that there is another woman or young woman who has had similar experiences or who is headed down the same path.

I came to college single and innocent. I was looking forward to making life-long friends and having fun, but most of all I always was looking for a boyfriend/husband. It is sad when I look back at how available I made myself. I longed for the comfort of having the guy who would console me when I was upset, who would be there after a long day with classes and activities to tell me that despite everything, I was smart, beautiful and everything a man would want. I wanted to be wanted. I won't lie, I also liked the feeling of being able to silently brag to other women when I would walk into the dining hall or into a program with a man on my arm.

That was a mistake. Stormie Omartian quotes Lisa Bevere in her book The Power of a Praying Woman; "[For centuries women have] wrestled and waged war with the sons of Adam in an attempt to get them to bless us and affirm our value. But this struggle has left us frustrated at best...In the end, it is all a senseless and exhausting process in which both parties lose. It is not the fault of the sons of Adam; they cannot give us the blessing we seek, and we have frightened them by giving them so much power over our souls." Omartian sums it up best herself, "Too often we expect [men] to meet the needs that only God can fill. And then we are disappointed when they can't. We expect too much from them when our expectations should be in God."

Looking back on all my failed attempts at building relationships, I laugh, but I also cry. I remember guys who I baked for, guys whose calls I'd wait for, guys who I'd go out of my way to please and accommodate, and guys who I gave too much to. I know now that I am precious to God, and that if I want to truly live for Him and to truly enjoy the happy relationship He would have for me, I would have to learn patience, and I would have to seek Him first. I'm sad that it has taken me this long to realize it, but above loving others/my enemies...I needed to learn to love God and myself.

My body is supposed to be His temple, and it is supposed to be holy and acceptable to God, and when I made the decision to give it to other people, I began to distance myself further and further from God and from the plan He had for me.

I remember my father talking about how we each struggle with different things, and as Christians we need to be mindful of how we conduct ourselves because something that may not lead us astray could lead someone else astray. For someone else it may have been alcohol,for another person it may have been gossip, but for me it has always been a combination of lust and longing.

I used to let fear get the best of me, and it stole my self-esteem for quite some time. People who know me will find that hard to believe, because I have always appeared to be confident, but I was confident in my intelligence, my opinions, and my actions...but I was never really sure of my worth. If someone asked me to talk about politics or current events I could do it without trepidation, but if someone told me to make my needs or expectations clear to a guy who I was interested in, I would cower like a shammed dog.

I can't begin to think of how many times I would go into physical encounters with boys expecting that the result would be a passionate love affair where I would be respected and cherished the way that I knew my dad loved my mom. Yet I had all those expectations, and I was looking for it in all the wrong places. I was placing all my hope in a guys hands that had not even earned that privilege.

For a long time I had been trying to figure out why my walk with Christ and why my spirituality seemed to be moving at snail-like pace. I had accepted God into my life years ago, and I genuinely believe in Him, but I kept backsliding, and I never seemed to experience the fullness and the contentedness and the discernment that I know I should have. Again and again I would fall short, and almost always dealing with the same issue...I kept hoping that each time it would be different, that this guy would be the one to commit to me and shower me with love. I always felt that I had it all going for me, I am honor student, some say I'm pretty, I am a leader, I have all my needs met, but the one thing I was missing is a companion.

I had a nightmare the other day where I ran into my best friend and she was engaged, and I congratulated her and then she started moving further and further away from me, until I was basically insignificant to her. That has often been a fear of mine, that I would be the last one standing, single and lonely. I realize now, that I do risk missing out on my destiny, the companion and lifelong friend that I desired. My whole life I've been told that I have amazing maternal instincts, patience and a nurturing spirit. I risk not having the children that I have dreamed of because I am looking for those things in all the wrong places. Instead I need to look to God, to come back to my first love, and if I focused on finding His favor and doing what is right, all those things would fall into place. No man can complete me, and I need to stop expecting that, because in reality I need to work on letting God complete me.





Beautifully Made-Leah Smith