I want to tell you a secret.....I'm Single

****First, I want to dedicate this post to Denita, I really appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me, and remind me of my commitment to God in such an important way. I've often spent days crying about negative things people have said, so at the very least I can spend a few sentences thanking you for your support and appreciation. You are a blessing.****

On another note, this post has been a long time in the making, its taken me years to come to this point of pure bliss, and its taken me months to come back to this blog. So for all 5 of you who read my blog; thanks for reading, and my apologies for the delay.

I remember when I was about 13 years old and me and my girlfriends started hanging out at the movie theater, I remember that feeling of exclusion and rejection, as many of the girls went with the ulterior motive of meeting up with a pseudo-boyfriend. I'll probably never forget that feeling. I'm sure its the same feeling as being the last kid to get picked for baseball...you have to wonder, 'whats wrong with me?' I wondered why I didn't have a boy to sneak off with.

I carried that question with me for years. People always judge the single girl of the group. The assumption is that there must be something wrong with her, it's her bitter attitude that keeps her alone. I somehow allowed myself to accept that ideology. That there must be something wrong with me. None of the high school boys that chased my girlfriends asked me out because I was perhaps too tall, or too mouthy or too nerdy or too this or that.

If you've read this far, please don't think that I'm about to post about a revelation that happened to me in a dream, As I've said many times before, I'm a work in progress...there are no overnight developments, just struggles each day to feel needed, beautiful and valuable. What did happen is that I am beginning to see through the illusion.

The world that we live in, and particularly the "black community" has painted an ugly picture of the ubiquitous "single black woman." She is unhappy and a perpetual hater. I'm sure you are all channeling Pam before she started dating Tommy. We all know that deep down that she didn't get along with Martin because she was suppressing jealousy toward her girl Gina. At least that is what we've been made to believe. The single girl is just an accessory for her friends, because clearly she has no life outside of offering bad advice and being the third wheel on dates. Since she doesn't have a man, she must find ways to fill her lonely and meaningless time.

That life isn't for me. In fact, I realize that in many ways its a fabrication. Call me a conspiracy theorist, but in some ways, I feel like that "single black woman" image has been constructed by men or a patriarchal structure to create dependency. It's a way to keep women feeling desperate and inadequate as long as they are flying solo. Somehow being single has been portrayed as a punishment for bad behavior. Maybe you don't wear enough makeup, or maybe you wear too much. The relationship experts will tell you that you have to keep trying...if you are doing it right, one day you'll find success.

I'll be honest, for far too long, I would pray each night that God would bless me with a boyfriend. I had hoped and prayed that I would be able to get it together before I graduated from college. I knew the data, long before I saw the Nightline special.



.... a college educated black woman has a very small chance of getting picked for the team.


I get it. But I definitely do not have the energy to give all my thoughts on that debate, if there is one. This is a more personal entry, I can't speak to national trends (nor do I want to open that can of worms.) I just know about how I've felt after my parents family asked me "why don't you have a boyfriend?" You can't imagine what it feels like to graduate cum laude and amidst all of the hugs at your graduation party,all your family wants to know is why you are single.

I want to be honest and admit that with all my feminist ideology, ambition and political knowledge, I fell prey to all the aforementioned pathologies and pressures. I too felt inadequate because I was moping around during most of my teen and early adult years waiting and praying for a boyfriend. I expected this man to complete me, I expected him to assuage all my fears, and to provide a satisfaction that as I mentioned in my previous post, only God can provide.

What I'm really learning is to not only get over this fear of being single for the rest of my life ::shudder:: but to also flourish in my independence. Don't get me wrong, it is not that I no longer desire that committed, monogamous, life long relationship...It's that I've learned to appreciate the here and now.

I've learned to stop biding my time, my time flying solo is not to be used as my time to "prepare" myself for when the right guy comes along. I now realize that there is a dichotomy that has been set up when it comes to companionship; either your happy or you are unhappy, in a relationship or single. One is right and the other is wrong. But let me let you in on my secret, it's been one I've tried to run away from for most of the past decade....I'm single. Here is the kicker, I love it.

Being single is not a punishment or purgatory. In fact it is a blessing. For the first time almost ever, I sincerely feel content with my own companionship. I know some of you will read this and say "shes just trying to make herself feel better" and for a long time, that is what I was doing. But the beauty of it all, is I am finally seeing my solitude as a completeness instead of an inadequacy.

Breaking free from years of conditioning and pressure is not simple. But when I thought about what I was sacrificing, it is definitely worth the struggle. I recognize that in many ways I allowed what many would consider to be a shortcoming, to prevent me from living to my fullest potential. Rather then focusing on my interest and chasing my dreams, I've been spending far too much time chasing the man I think will fulfill my dreams.

I'm no longer trying to re-conceive my solitude, justify it or validate it. Instead I genuinely feel content in it.

Some men are getting ready to "hide your wives" for fear that I might bring some of my independent, single black woman sass and defiance into your relationship. I am not trying to jealously break up relationships with trust issues and bitterness, as many black men often fear. Instead I am harboring sincere happiness for those in my circle who are in happy relationships. It makes my heart smile when I see some of my favorite couples together, not because I'm longing for the day that I may be one of them, but because I see their joy and I am happy to be surrounded by it.

It is easy to feel happy for others when you are happy for yourself.

I realize that I've been sitting on the sidelines, missing my opportunity to jump in because I was waiting on a partner. When I recognized all the excitement of youth, it gave me the push I needed to let go of outside pressure and my own insecurities and enjoy getting to know me.

In the few short months that I've been enjoying my relationship status, I have learned how to spend time with myself, and enjoy that time. I've seen myself experience a contentedness that I have never experienced before. I'm experiencing an optimism that would have been impossible to experience if I spent each day wondering why I am single and trying to figure out what to do about it. There is so much beauty and potential in youth, yet I've been letting it pass me by because I thought I needed a man to enjoy it with me.

I recognize the beauty in relationships, ...but I also know that I have to cherish these moments of independence. I realize how exhausting relationships can be, and I know that in order for them to work out well, both people have to feel confident enough with themselves to make sacrifices and compromise.

Yet the secret is, for however long I'm single...I'll be working on building that confidence for my own benefit, not just as a preparation for a future relationship.

In fact....and if you've read already down here...you should realize that not only am I content with my "solitude" but despite stereotypes, I am flourishing in it.

**Special shout out to my best friend Iman, Kelly and the book "Last one Down the Aisle Wins" by Shannon Fox and Celeste Liversidge for listening to my musings, tears and helping me make progress**