I want to tell you a secret.....I'm Single

****First, I want to dedicate this post to Denita, I really appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me, and remind me of my commitment to God in such an important way. I've often spent days crying about negative things people have said, so at the very least I can spend a few sentences thanking you for your support and appreciation. You are a blessing.****

On another note, this post has been a long time in the making, its taken me years to come to this point of pure bliss, and its taken me months to come back to this blog. So for all 5 of you who read my blog; thanks for reading, and my apologies for the delay.

I remember when I was about 13 years old and me and my girlfriends started hanging out at the movie theater, I remember that feeling of exclusion and rejection, as many of the girls went with the ulterior motive of meeting up with a pseudo-boyfriend. I'll probably never forget that feeling. I'm sure its the same feeling as being the last kid to get picked for baseball...you have to wonder, 'whats wrong with me?' I wondered why I didn't have a boy to sneak off with.

I carried that question with me for years. People always judge the single girl of the group. The assumption is that there must be something wrong with her, it's her bitter attitude that keeps her alone. I somehow allowed myself to accept that ideology. That there must be something wrong with me. None of the high school boys that chased my girlfriends asked me out because I was perhaps too tall, or too mouthy or too nerdy or too this or that.

If you've read this far, please don't think that I'm about to post about a revelation that happened to me in a dream, As I've said many times before, I'm a work in progress...there are no overnight developments, just struggles each day to feel needed, beautiful and valuable. What did happen is that I am beginning to see through the illusion.

The world that we live in, and particularly the "black community" has painted an ugly picture of the ubiquitous "single black woman." She is unhappy and a perpetual hater. I'm sure you are all channeling Pam before she started dating Tommy. We all know that deep down that she didn't get along with Martin because she was suppressing jealousy toward her girl Gina. At least that is what we've been made to believe. The single girl is just an accessory for her friends, because clearly she has no life outside of offering bad advice and being the third wheel on dates. Since she doesn't have a man, she must find ways to fill her lonely and meaningless time.

That life isn't for me. In fact, I realize that in many ways its a fabrication. Call me a conspiracy theorist, but in some ways, I feel like that "single black woman" image has been constructed by men or a patriarchal structure to create dependency. It's a way to keep women feeling desperate and inadequate as long as they are flying solo. Somehow being single has been portrayed as a punishment for bad behavior. Maybe you don't wear enough makeup, or maybe you wear too much. The relationship experts will tell you that you have to keep trying...if you are doing it right, one day you'll find success.

I'll be honest, for far too long, I would pray each night that God would bless me with a boyfriend. I had hoped and prayed that I would be able to get it together before I graduated from college. I knew the data, long before I saw the Nightline special.



.... a college educated black woman has a very small chance of getting picked for the team.


I get it. But I definitely do not have the energy to give all my thoughts on that debate, if there is one. This is a more personal entry, I can't speak to national trends (nor do I want to open that can of worms.) I just know about how I've felt after my parents family asked me "why don't you have a boyfriend?" You can't imagine what it feels like to graduate cum laude and amidst all of the hugs at your graduation party,all your family wants to know is why you are single.

I want to be honest and admit that with all my feminist ideology, ambition and political knowledge, I fell prey to all the aforementioned pathologies and pressures. I too felt inadequate because I was moping around during most of my teen and early adult years waiting and praying for a boyfriend. I expected this man to complete me, I expected him to assuage all my fears, and to provide a satisfaction that as I mentioned in my previous post, only God can provide.

What I'm really learning is to not only get over this fear of being single for the rest of my life ::shudder:: but to also flourish in my independence. Don't get me wrong, it is not that I no longer desire that committed, monogamous, life long relationship...It's that I've learned to appreciate the here and now.

I've learned to stop biding my time, my time flying solo is not to be used as my time to "prepare" myself for when the right guy comes along. I now realize that there is a dichotomy that has been set up when it comes to companionship; either your happy or you are unhappy, in a relationship or single. One is right and the other is wrong. But let me let you in on my secret, it's been one I've tried to run away from for most of the past decade....I'm single. Here is the kicker, I love it.

Being single is not a punishment or purgatory. In fact it is a blessing. For the first time almost ever, I sincerely feel content with my own companionship. I know some of you will read this and say "shes just trying to make herself feel better" and for a long time, that is what I was doing. But the beauty of it all, is I am finally seeing my solitude as a completeness instead of an inadequacy.

Breaking free from years of conditioning and pressure is not simple. But when I thought about what I was sacrificing, it is definitely worth the struggle. I recognize that in many ways I allowed what many would consider to be a shortcoming, to prevent me from living to my fullest potential. Rather then focusing on my interest and chasing my dreams, I've been spending far too much time chasing the man I think will fulfill my dreams.

I'm no longer trying to re-conceive my solitude, justify it or validate it. Instead I genuinely feel content in it.

Some men are getting ready to "hide your wives" for fear that I might bring some of my independent, single black woman sass and defiance into your relationship. I am not trying to jealously break up relationships with trust issues and bitterness, as many black men often fear. Instead I am harboring sincere happiness for those in my circle who are in happy relationships. It makes my heart smile when I see some of my favorite couples together, not because I'm longing for the day that I may be one of them, but because I see their joy and I am happy to be surrounded by it.

It is easy to feel happy for others when you are happy for yourself.

I realize that I've been sitting on the sidelines, missing my opportunity to jump in because I was waiting on a partner. When I recognized all the excitement of youth, it gave me the push I needed to let go of outside pressure and my own insecurities and enjoy getting to know me.

In the few short months that I've been enjoying my relationship status, I have learned how to spend time with myself, and enjoy that time. I've seen myself experience a contentedness that I have never experienced before. I'm experiencing an optimism that would have been impossible to experience if I spent each day wondering why I am single and trying to figure out what to do about it. There is so much beauty and potential in youth, yet I've been letting it pass me by because I thought I needed a man to enjoy it with me.

I recognize the beauty in relationships, ...but I also know that I have to cherish these moments of independence. I realize how exhausting relationships can be, and I know that in order for them to work out well, both people have to feel confident enough with themselves to make sacrifices and compromise.

Yet the secret is, for however long I'm single...I'll be working on building that confidence for my own benefit, not just as a preparation for a future relationship.

In fact....and if you've read already down here...you should realize that not only am I content with my "solitude" but despite stereotypes, I am flourishing in it.

**Special shout out to my best friend Iman, Kelly and the book "Last one Down the Aisle Wins" by Shannon Fox and Celeste Liversidge for listening to my musings, tears and helping me make progress**

Come back to your first love...

I know that it has been a while since my last post. I guess I was trying to find something meaningful to say, something interesting...something that would stir people's souls.

Well here I am, back on blog spot, and I finally had a moving moment...I told myself that I didn't want to say too much on this blog, I wanted to maintain some privacy and I definitely would not want something I said here to come back and bite me years down the line. But I also think that some of the things that I have experienced, and some of the lessons I have learned can be helpful for other people in their lives. All I've ever wanted to do is share love with others, and I guess here is my opportunity.

My father teaches Sunday School at our church in Jersey City and when I was in high school I remember asking him why it seemed like every Sunday he was teaching about love. He explained that love is what it's all about, regardless of what text he spoke from, the message always seemed to go back to love. We are supposed to love each other, love our neighbors, love or families, love our friends, love our enemies.

It is so funny how God will keep showing you something until you get it clear. From a young age, I understood that love is what it was all about...when I wanted to get a tattoo, and I had to think of something meaningful, I decided to get the word love in Swahili. It made perfect sense to me, I understood that if I shared love with others and if I made my life about loving God, everything would be okay.

I've always been the type of person to forgive people easily, and to say that I loved my enemies, I ask God to forgive me for the times that I held grudges, but for the most part I can say with sincerity that I don't really hold grudges, there is no one that I hate. I don't say that to say how great I am, its only because God has shown me so much mercy, He has forgiven and forgotten everyone of my mistakes, even the times that I knowingly disobeyed his commandments, he still loved me. So if someone perfectly righteous can forgive someone like me, I can definitely let go of some petty bitterness about alleged rumors spread or unkind words.

I understood the part about loving others, that was easy, I don't like confrontation or awkwardness so for me loving others and embracing strangers and enemies was not too much of a struggle. Where I fell short, and where I continue to struggle is knowing where to seek love.

This is where I reveal myself, for most of my life my friends have joked that I am so boy crazy. I always had a crush on someone or another, and for the most part it was harmless. As I got older, and especially once I came to college, it became my burden....

The reason I'm going to share all this is because I know in my heart that there is another woman or young woman who has had similar experiences or who is headed down the same path.

I came to college single and innocent. I was looking forward to making life-long friends and having fun, but most of all I always was looking for a boyfriend/husband. It is sad when I look back at how available I made myself. I longed for the comfort of having the guy who would console me when I was upset, who would be there after a long day with classes and activities to tell me that despite everything, I was smart, beautiful and everything a man would want. I wanted to be wanted. I won't lie, I also liked the feeling of being able to silently brag to other women when I would walk into the dining hall or into a program with a man on my arm.

That was a mistake. Stormie Omartian quotes Lisa Bevere in her book The Power of a Praying Woman; "[For centuries women have] wrestled and waged war with the sons of Adam in an attempt to get them to bless us and affirm our value. But this struggle has left us frustrated at best...In the end, it is all a senseless and exhausting process in which both parties lose. It is not the fault of the sons of Adam; they cannot give us the blessing we seek, and we have frightened them by giving them so much power over our souls." Omartian sums it up best herself, "Too often we expect [men] to meet the needs that only God can fill. And then we are disappointed when they can't. We expect too much from them when our expectations should be in God."

Looking back on all my failed attempts at building relationships, I laugh, but I also cry. I remember guys who I baked for, guys whose calls I'd wait for, guys who I'd go out of my way to please and accommodate, and guys who I gave too much to. I know now that I am precious to God, and that if I want to truly live for Him and to truly enjoy the happy relationship He would have for me, I would have to learn patience, and I would have to seek Him first. I'm sad that it has taken me this long to realize it, but above loving others/my enemies...I needed to learn to love God and myself.

My body is supposed to be His temple, and it is supposed to be holy and acceptable to God, and when I made the decision to give it to other people, I began to distance myself further and further from God and from the plan He had for me.

I remember my father talking about how we each struggle with different things, and as Christians we need to be mindful of how we conduct ourselves because something that may not lead us astray could lead someone else astray. For someone else it may have been alcohol,for another person it may have been gossip, but for me it has always been a combination of lust and longing.

I used to let fear get the best of me, and it stole my self-esteem for quite some time. People who know me will find that hard to believe, because I have always appeared to be confident, but I was confident in my intelligence, my opinions, and my actions...but I was never really sure of my worth. If someone asked me to talk about politics or current events I could do it without trepidation, but if someone told me to make my needs or expectations clear to a guy who I was interested in, I would cower like a shammed dog.

I can't begin to think of how many times I would go into physical encounters with boys expecting that the result would be a passionate love affair where I would be respected and cherished the way that I knew my dad loved my mom. Yet I had all those expectations, and I was looking for it in all the wrong places. I was placing all my hope in a guys hands that had not even earned that privilege.

For a long time I had been trying to figure out why my walk with Christ and why my spirituality seemed to be moving at snail-like pace. I had accepted God into my life years ago, and I genuinely believe in Him, but I kept backsliding, and I never seemed to experience the fullness and the contentedness and the discernment that I know I should have. Again and again I would fall short, and almost always dealing with the same issue...I kept hoping that each time it would be different, that this guy would be the one to commit to me and shower me with love. I always felt that I had it all going for me, I am honor student, some say I'm pretty, I am a leader, I have all my needs met, but the one thing I was missing is a companion.

I had a nightmare the other day where I ran into my best friend and she was engaged, and I congratulated her and then she started moving further and further away from me, until I was basically insignificant to her. That has often been a fear of mine, that I would be the last one standing, single and lonely. I realize now, that I do risk missing out on my destiny, the companion and lifelong friend that I desired. My whole life I've been told that I have amazing maternal instincts, patience and a nurturing spirit. I risk not having the children that I have dreamed of because I am looking for those things in all the wrong places. Instead I need to look to God, to come back to my first love, and if I focused on finding His favor and doing what is right, all those things would fall into place. No man can complete me, and I need to stop expecting that, because in reality I need to work on letting God complete me.





Beautifully Made-Leah Smith

Corzine 2009???

It doesn't surprise me how many Democrats I'm friends with are skeptical about voting for New Jersey Gubernatorial incumbent Jon Corzine. People are really struggling during this recession, violence in our cities is overwhelming and depressing. It seems like nothing has changed from years past.

The truth of the matter is that is all incorrect. Of course, some people would say that I am biased because of where I work, but at the end the day facts are just facts. Jon Corzine is not the most charismatic of candidates, he hasn't scratched everyone's backs that he was supposed to and as a result it seems that people who should be supporting him, have offered lukewarm support if any at all.

Corzine was the first governor to make it so that elected New Jersey officials could not hold several elected positions at the same time. Why should someone be mayor, and a assemblyman/woman at the same time? How can they be dedicated to really serving their constituents if they have their hands in too many projects? He also eliminated a lot of the pork barrel legislation that was going on in state politics. It may piss off some of the New Jersey legislators, because they can no longer say, "okay I'll approve this bill if you give me $250,000 to build a community pool in my town." So even the Democrats are mad, but you see, that is what makes Corzine unique, he hasn't gone around trying to make friends....he's tried to make good policy. In a state that has long had an ugly reputation for corruption,



you need someone like Corzine who isn't trying to make friends or get donations...instead he's trying to serve New Jersey.


But when it does come to connections and alliances, Corzine is far more capable of serving New Jersey with his connection to Obama and the White House than his opponents could ever be.



(To throw a little mud around: let us not forget that Republican Chris Christie was a George W. Bush appointee.)It's clear that a lot of people haven't been reading the news or keeping up this year, CORZINE SAVED THOUSANDS OF JOBS WITH ARRA (STIMULUS) MONEY.



(Mud: Christie said he would have rejected that money, I don't know how that would've helped decrease property taxes if he is saying no to money.)

People love to throw the phrase, "tax and spend liberal" around, they also love to talk about how Democrats just love big government. Fact: JON CORZINE IS THE FIRST GOVERNOR IN SIX DECADES TO CUT THE SIZE OF STATE GOVERNMENT. Personally, I'm think agencies do a lot of great work, and I have never been adamantly opposed to government's presence in certain aspects of our lives where they can do good and provide needed services. However, as someone who has interned in an NJ agency (Sorry guys, but I have to tell the truth) there is a little bit of dead weight here and there. Corzine cut 7000 state jobs, so in a recession that seems like a bad idea, but in reality he saved NJ tax payers a lot of money. It was a tough decision, and I am saddened that so many people had to lose jobs, but in a recession, you can't keep doing the same things we've been doing, and make no sacrifices and expect to balance a budget. At the same time, if you weren't clear how Corzine had so many enemies, this is why. He didn't do what was popular, he did what was necessary.

Some people want money and a balanced budget to drop out of the sky. They don't want to cut jobs, they don't want toll hikes, but they want to invest more in education. Well wake up, this is the real world, and we have to make sacrifices to save things that are the most important like health care and education.

Corzine ensured 100,000 more New Jersey children. That is something that no one else before him has done. The New Jersey Family Care plan is innovative and Corzine is responsible for it. He ensured children across New Jersey who other wise may have gone un-insured. I can't find anything wrong with that. So if we had to pay a few extra cents on the highway to make sure that some 5 year old with working class parents can get his asthma treatment, so be it.

So facts are facts, if his budget this year is smaller than last year, how is that wasteful? When you are serving during tough times you cannot please everyone, so some of us have to stop being selfish, think long term and face the facts. Jon Corzine is the best decision for New Jersey.

Corzine 2009.

No One Will Hear You Scream

Imagine, you are walking out of a party; laughing, joking, having fun with your friends. You had a good time, and now its time to head home. As you walk out, you hear screams, or maybe the voice of someone crying. You also hear male voices telling someone to shut up, or laughing, and slapping each other fives while this female voice continues to cry.

Does your stomach turn into knots? Does your heart beat faster? Do you begin to feel nervous or uncomfortable? You know something bad is happening, you know that whatever it is, it scares you. You look at your friends, your eyes asking for direction, what should be the next move?

Do you walk over to find out what is happening? Lets say you realize quickly that someone, a young girl is being hurt. She is maybe your age, maybe younger, and she is definitely outnumbered. Your friends say, "Lets get out of here." Or do they laugh and take out their cell phones to video tape a brutal 2 hour rape?

Thats what some students did at Richmond High School in California. When I heard this story, I was hesitant to even read the whole article. The case was so horrendous I couldn't even bare to really learn the details. I am still coping with the brutal beating death of Derrion Albert in Chicago. The death was so violent and unnecessary that I was honestly overcome with anger.

I don't know if anyone realizes it, but Derrion Albert could have been your brother or mine. He could've been your father or mine, your cousin or nephew, or best friend, or husband or boyfriend. It is impossible to draw lines and separate oneself from this vicious acts of violence. Usually we can say, "oh that person was involved in something I'm not...I don't need to worry." Don't deny it, we've all justified the murder or violent attack of someone with social, or maybe racial lines that divide us. Many black people just like me, do it all the time. We hear about a person being murdered in Newark or Camden or Paterson or Trenton or Irvington and we say, "Oh I live in Maplewood," or "That wouldn't happen in Moorestown." We think if we stay in Suburban Wonderland everything will be fine.

We convince ourselves that we have nothing to worry about, so that we do not have to live with the fear and numbness that many people on the other side of the tracks have come to see as reality. We tell ourselves, "I'm not in a gang, I don't do drugs, I don't sell drugs, I don't know people like that.....this could never happen to me or someone I care about."

This should be our wake up call, Derrion Albert was an innocent bystander...an honor student trying to go home, and he was instead beaten brutally to death. People admitted stomping on his head as he tried to get up and move to safety. People have also admitted to hitting him with blocks of wood. Can you imagine the fear? Being all by yourself, surrounded by angry young men with lethal weapons. You look around for an escape, but your are trapped, your eyes fill up with tears, your stomach turns, maybe your face is hot.

You are all alone. Derrion was all alone.

The people who beat Derrion Albert to death aren't the only criminals here. The real criminals are the people who video taped this, the people who walked and drove by and did nothing. They told themselves that this was not their problem, or to mind their business, or to "stop snitching." They allowed cowardice, fear and selfishness to prevent them from immediately calling the police or running for help. They left Derrion alone to die.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/09/28/chicago.teen.beating/index.html

I recognize, that what really sickened me is not so much the brutal murder, but the people who drove by and did nothing. What is wrong with us? Have we come to live in such an isolated, selfish society that we do not have enough courage and compassion to help someone when they are dying? Even a 16 year old boy.

So now the cameras are in Richmond High School in the Bay area of California. A 15 year old girl was brutally raped after her high school homecoming dance, for two hours. PAUSE. I want you to sit and count to 120. Just imagine that you or someone you love, maybe your little sister, your mother, your daughter, or your girlfriend was being raped for each second of those two minutes.

Now imagine that it went beyond that, that she was raped and beaten for 60 times that. Imagine the fear she felt, did she think she was going to die? Did she think about the pain? I really want us to imagine what was going through this young girls head.

But that is just one crime, and on the grand scale of things, when there over 200,000 rapes a year in the U.S. maybe it is easy for some of us to just brush it off, forget about it even. What we cannot brush off is the idea that if it had been anyone of us, no one would have done anything.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/10/27/california.gang.rape.investigation/index.html

Just keep that in mind every time you are walking to your car at night, and every time you are waiting at a bus stop on campus alone. Its like that infamous horror movie line..."No one will hear you scream." The villain then lets out a bellowing chuckle. But this isn't a movie, its real life...and people might hear you scream, but no one will come and help you.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herd_behavior

I was doing a little research, because I really want to understand what goes on in people's minds as they or maybe we allow something like this to happen? Is it because we have been taught to put ourselves first, or is it because we live in the ipod generation where no one even shares music, we listen to our own song in our own ears, that no one else can hear. Is it because we're afraid that if we speak up and yell "Stop it" or "Help!" we will become victims? Or have we been able to distance ourselves from others because we have reified them? Or maybe we really have allowed street codes like the most ignorant and disgusting of all "Stop Snitching" steal away our consciouses? I wish someone could explain this to me. I pray to God that if something like this would ever happen, I would speak up, I pray that I would call the police.

In my research, I came across the Bystander Effect. It makes perfect sense, we are creatures of habit, but I honestly thought humans were supposed to be smarter and more capable of making decisions than animals. Maybe I was wrong.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bystander_effect

I'm not afraid of ghost, goons, goblins or witches this Halloween. I don't think you should be either. I think we should be afraid of being silent. Or maybe afraid that no one will hear you scream.

Blog about Blogging, Tiny & Toya and all things pop culture

So I realize that I'm not recording my thoughts the way that I should be. It is important to have a chronicle of the comings and goings of ones life, so you can reflect on who you are, who you are becoming, how you are developing, changing or not developing and changing. So since I never take the time to write in a journal, and I'm always on the internet. (shout outs to twitter and facebook for ruining my life.) I might as well journal on the internet, and make it public.

So for today:

Watched Tiny and Toya with the BFF last night. I have to admit I can be quite the elitist intellectual. I am appalled by most reality shows (and I secretly can't keep my eyes off of them.) It is sickening how people have been able to commercialize everything, including their weddings, children, and all other aspects of their personal lives. You can now get paid to go grocery shopping, eat dinner, gossip in a hair salon, flip tables in a restaurant, throw parties for your kids, get "bubbie" implants, or anything else your heart can stage on camera.

That being said, I occasionally watch Kimora Lee's reality show. I religiously watched The Real Housewives of ATL and NJ. But I thought the ignorance had gone too far with Tiny and Toya. I thought why should these random women who haven't done anything productive for society or humanity get to become household names, get undeserved praise and attention and get paid for it?

Then I met them. (On t.v at least) They proved to be far more wise than any of the educated women on Bridezilla, they seemed to have far more compassion than any of the wealthy women from Bergen County, and they seemed to put their family first more so than any Octomom or reality show celebrity. These women were genuine. The best moment ever was when Toya is explaining the struggle of a mother who is dealing with drug addiction and Tiny responds in her southern drawl; "what can I do to make you feel betta?" These women counsel each other, comfort each other and pray for each other. It is refreshing to see black women respecting one another and not gossiping or spending their days discussing someone elses' poverty, failure or pain but instead supporting one another through life transitions. Who would've thought that the refreshing image of black women that I was looking for would come from two "rapper wives."

Now of course I recognize that much of reality tv shows is edited and we do not see all the behind the scenes drama. But I'm pretty sure if BET had some footage of Tiny and or Toya having extensive conversation about some woman they didn't like or some of salacious gossip BET would've been sure to air it. I'm also sure if BET had footage of Tiny and Toya wastefully spending on frivolous items, while millions of children starve, BET would have aired it. Instead you see Toya trying to grow up and find an independent identity for herself. You see Tiny struggling with an aging father, a husband in prison and the struggles of being a mother. I was particularly drawn to Tiny's struggle, it raises great questions about feminism and marriage. She seems to be questioning her role as a wife (for our intents and purposes T.I and Tiny are married) and as a working woman? Should she go back to singing and music which she loves, or do what makes her husband happy? These are real women struggles. This isn't about bling or writing checks for Cadillacs it instead dealt with an entrepreneur and a young adult blossoming.

I have to admit, the elitist in me caught at glance of Tiny's tattoo-ed arms, and Toya's tattooed breast and assumed the worst. I assumed the show would be filled with ignorance, pole dancing parties and spoiled bratty children. Maybe I need to check myself, I believe that middle class black people have a tendency to judge black people who grew up in "the hood" or in low income backgrounds who later become rich via athletics or entertainment. (Jealousy??) I don't know. We wonder if they perpetuate all the negative stereotypes that we fight daily to destroy. We go to school, get degrees and try our best not too seem too "urban" or loud or anything reminiscent of the poor image we see daily. It seems to bother us deep down inside when we see people who didn't go to school, who don't vacation in Marthas Vineyard and who don't shop at J. Crew being heralded as successes of the black community.

I had to remove my barrier of elitism and of regional discriminationn to see how genuine, kind and loving these women really are. Yes Tiny having a husband in jail does perpetuate negative black male stereotypes, but I can't say that anyone is perfect. He definitely was living that "hood life" that I loathe so much. It bothers me that he had all the wealth and the comforts and he still felt the pull of street mentalities that I can never understand. But that's just the point, I need to realize how much I just don't understand and not judge. My distrust for Tiny and Toya highlights the class divides in the black community that Michael Eric Dyson and Malcolm X talked about. Toya did get pregnant at 14, and before I judged her I should've recognized how hard it must have been to grow up transient, poor and with a drug-addicted mother. I should've recognized how that could make her susceptible to the lures of an attractive young boy who promises you the world.

Now I won't go as far as to say that I respect all the booty shaking that goes on on BET, and I won't say I disagree with a lot of the things that Bill Cosby says either. There is still a lack of parenting going on in our community. There is still a removal of values and morals in our community and a sense of complacency, there is still a "hood rich" mentality that is frightening. However maybe it's time I looked at things with more of an open mind and recognized the value that these women re-introduce to black reality T.V. shows. I don't complain about the Kardashians when they're spending money left and right nor do I complain about $6000 birthday cakes for 11 year olds in ATL. Maybe Tiny and Toya's show can show us people with real values and real families and not just women tearing each other down with books (Cop without a Badge) and lies.




"Your values is in disarray, prioritizing horribly, unhappy with the riches cause your pisspoor morally." Tip

April 11th 2009- Act Like A Lady Think Like a Man???????

So anyone who is close with me knows, I've been talking about this every two seconds for the past few weeks. Steve Harvey's new book; Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, the problem is, even the title is problematic for me.

I'm a feminist.

I'm also a Women and Gender Studies Minor, so I'm so entrenched in theory that I forget about the real. Rutgers has one of the premier women and gender studies programs in the US, in part because of the emphasis not just on women's studies, but also on the examination of gender. So all I've been reading and discussing over the past 3 years is "gender is a social construct," "women should be able to have the same choices (sexually and in other areas) as men," and basically it has all gotten to me. I will be honest, there is a great deal of merit in the things that Judith Butler, Drucilla Cornell, Audre Lorde etc argue, but at the end of the day, I live in a non-feminist world.

I've learned that I cannot apply feminist theory to men. It just doesn't work. If I am looking at things through a feminist perspective, then I'm working in the opposite direction of my goal. Anyone who knows me really well knows that I ultimately want an impactful, succesful career, and I also want a succesful happy marriage. (somewhere down the line.)



Everything Steve Harvey says is anti-feminist theory, but everything he says is true.

Case and point:"Act like a lady"--what the heck is a lady? Is there a certain way to eminate femininity? The term lady is an old fashioned way to remind women to be demure, chaste, pious, docile and pious. The old idea is that men didn't want women who were too opinonated, or who spoke to frequently, or who were to open sexually. If a woman was open and comfortable with her sexuality, then she is more likely to demand that a man please her sexually and meet her standards. So to allow men to always set the tone, and have control over women, the concept of acting like a lady comes about.....However, it's true, men do want women who fit the stereotype of feminine. Mr. Harvey tells us (that sounds creepy, like Mr. Harvey is our leader lol) that men still want women to let them feel important, to let them take care of women and to let them open doors and do all those things. So it may not be right, but it may just be the nature of the game. And I can't lie, flowers every now and then and a man who walks on the street side are kind of nice.



"Men like shiny things....A man has never walked across the room because of your brain."
Its so unfortunate, but its true. I used to hate the line from the Destiny's Child song "Cater to You" when Kelly says that nonsense "I'll keep it tight, keep my figure right/I'll keep my hair fixed, rocking the hottest outfits." I used to be so outraged by that, because at the end of the day, we never hear men saying, "yea baby, I'll always have my hair cut, I'll always smell good, I'll always be fit." It's almost like its okay for a man to fall of and get all shlubby, but if a woman does the same, her man has the right to cheat. It's wrong, but that don't make it a lie.

It's so unfair for women, especially in the 21st century, where most women work outside of the home, make our own money, etc. and still statistically speaking, women do the majority of the housework. How am I supposed to go to work, drive kids to school, pack lunches, do laundry, make dinner, balance the checkbook, AND make time to go to the gym, get my hair done, and put makeup on? It's just not fair!!!!

Life lesson: Life's not fair. Men do like shiny things, it may not be fair, it is definitely not easy, but lets face it. It doesn't give him the right to cheat, but it will give him the ammunition. We're human, for the same reason people don't like to eat leftovers for dinner, men still want their girfriends/wives to look nice, and not only nice, hot. Its so messed up, Whitney Casey,the woman who has done the research on this even says, "we have to wear heels!" OMG! HEELS ARE SEXY, BUT THEY ARE NOT COMFORTABLE! It drives me crazy when men are like "oooo wear heels" because they really don't know all that goes into heels. Imagine walking on stilts for hours at a time; waiting in line to get into a club, dancing in the club, on the way back home. It's not easy.

Life lesson: Life's not easy.I've come to the conclusion that women have it harder. But just because we've got it harder doesn't mean we should throw in the towel. If you're interested in dating men and being in heterosexual relationships, you end up participating in a sexist, unfair, cruel, risky game.Sometimes, people win games. I'm competitive, and if I dare put my bid in, I expect to get a high return.I used to think that by participating in all this, dressing up for men, playing the gender role of a lady, and following the dating rules, I was encouraging all these sexist ideas, but at the end of the day, my ideals aren't going to keep me warm at night. So that all being said. I've decided that I'm going to particpate in this sick twisted dame called heterosexual dating. I love black men. So it becomes even more complicated (but that's a whole different topic.) So now I have to learn, and I love my girls, and if I come out on top, I want them to come out on top too.

So without exposing myself to much, I've made 10,000 mistakes when it comes to men and dating. But I'm learning, and learning is really important when it comes to games, you have to observe the patterns of others, and you kind of have to adapt your behavior to the situation your in. I have to admit, I've always been a fan of Steve Harvey's radio show, he's funny, he's a man of faith, he's old school in a very comforting kind of way, so I had a feeling his book would be good. Steve Harvey's book is not good. Steve Harvey's book is the truth. He doesn't tell us what we want to hear, he tells us what we need to hear. I haven't even bought the book yet, but based solely on convos with friends. (Thanks MG, Michael and Jeremy) and on watching/listening to his interviews I've already figured out a lot of my biggest mistakes.

Many of my mistakes are unfair, from a feminist perspective I may not have done anything wrong, but men, black men especially have certain expectations, and certain rules that they almost always follow, and if I break them, I should expect to lose.

So learning from my mistakes, these are the things I'm learning, and I hope we can all do this. Steve does make some great points, women have lowered our standards, especially black women. We know that the odds aren't in our favor, so we are so concerned about not running men off that we've lowered the bar. We've let them get away with things that men from our father's and grandfather's generations would not have dared to do. We are so scared of running a guy off or appearing clingy that we don't say what we really feel from the jump. So these are the things I've learned.

1) As Dr. Seuss says, "Be who you are and say what you feel because the people who matter don't mind and the people who mind don't matter." If you as a woman are looking for a serious relationship. Say so, rather than playing these "i don't want to be clingy" games, just be honest from the gate, if he can't handle that, then don't try to hang on and change his mind, just let him go.

2) DONT GIVE IT UP. I used to be like "oh women should be able to enjoy sex just as much as men, if I want it, why should I have to wait, bla bla bla" But at the end of the day, women and men have different rules about sex, men can have as much sex as they want and still be desirable, when we do it, our value declines. But Steve Harvey explains it even better. When he used to work at Ford Motors, they didn't let people get the benefits package until the end of a 90 day period. We as women have a great benefits package. ;-) So why should we let just anyone get the benefits package until he's proved that he's got what it takes? The 3 month rule is an old one, but its a good one. If he can't wait, he doesn't deserve the cookie. **BONUS:People who wait until their married, usually win. If you can do it, more power to you, it is honorable, amazing and those people will get the majority of the benefits. ***

3) ***Keep it shiny.** Uuuuuggggghhhh I hate this! Heels are annyoing, but even I have to admit my legs look sexier, butt looks hotter, they accentuate everything. I like my glasses, I think they're cute, but I gotta do the contacts, pony tails won't get you a ring, so I have to even get my hair done. All this can be expensive, but thats why we have friends, mix and match, borrow, share services. (I can do a mean doobie, so if someone wants to do my eyebrows we got a deal.)

4) Set the bar high. I work hard, I demand excellence in academics, leadership, morals and everything else. So as hard and as scary as it may seem, I have to expect certain things from men. Steve says it, if a man really likes you, you won't run him off, so without being rude, nasty or stank, make it clear with your actions what you will and will not allow.

5) Men want to "protect, provide, and profess" after 6 months a dude should not still be introducing you as " a friend." (I know these first hand)

6) Ask questions. We don't have to be Shelby Woo or Sherlock Holmes, but if theres something on your mind, ask it. This is probably my worst habit, but if we ask questions up front, we will prevent a lot of post traumatic stress. You'd hate to let someone get the benefits package if they haven't even filled out the application. Steve says, men always have a plan, and guys, you all confirmed this, so it's true, it can't hurt to ask, whats the plan? What are your goals in life? What do you think of me. So thats all I have for now, I'm learning, and it's not easy, but I know what I want in life, and I'm willing to make sacrifices for it. More importantly I'm willing to learn in order to get it.

Ladies: read this book! stop swaping advice with our friends who are in the same situations as us. Gentlemen: if your tagged you are probably a good friend, help us out! You know the secrets, tell us how it works. If you made it all the way down here...thanks for reading. XOXOXO http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfVd7C7bjwQ

October 7th,2008-What Happened To Excellence

It has taken me a few days to get around to this. But before I evaluate tonight's debate, I wanted to take some time and reflect on the direction of this country. In a perfect world, Americans would vote only on issues; the economy, health care, the environment, education, women's rights/issues, etc. American's wouldn't care about whose Pastor was whom, they would just look at voting records, party platforms, statements and actions. We don't live in a perfect world. Americans don't always read the newspaper, we don't always do our research, and we do believe rumors. For quite some time, people believed Barack Obama was a Muslim (and if he was? what would be so bad about that ?) Most people don't do their own research and more importantly get caught in "personality traits" or the superficial. We have allowed ourselves to be persuaded by passing emotions and trends, and by smiles and folksy humor. I was disgusted by Sarah Palin the moment John McCain nominated her. I disagree with her policy. She is against abortion under any circumstances, she is also against comprehensive sex education. She is a supporter of the NRA. The list goes on...But since Americans care so much about "character" and personality. I have to ask, what happened to excellence?

What happened to Presidential candidates who were smarter than you and I? Who were philosophers, well educated, or just plain different from everyday Americans. I don't know about you all, but I have enough friends. I don't need my President to be my friend. I need a president to be a leader, to be able to negotiate and to be able to make sound, rational decisions. I also don't need a candidate that I can always relate to, because really, what difference does it make? People voted for George W. Bush (the 2nd time...because he didn't win the first time) because he was "the type of guy you could have a beer with." Because he played the Joe Blow role. They didn't care that he voted AGAINST a Hate Crimes Bill, they didn't care that he was so inarticulate that rather than have real policy debates against John Kerry, he called him a "flip flopper" (second grade anyone?)

Sarah Palin. Every time she winked at the camera during last weeks' debate I felt a little sick in my stomach. This is not the Ms. Elk Alaska Beauty Pageant. You can't win votes by smiling and looking pretty...or can you?What it really boils down to it, Republicans and Democrats alike have used character traits to win votes rather than to focus on issues that affect people's lives. But recently, George W. Bush, John McCain and his running mate, have used this tactic the best. I just hope that we are all too smart to fall for it again. I hope that we can go back to the days of excellence. Each person whether they are running for office or not has flaws. Some are horrible people all around. But at least there was once a time when Americans wanted their Presidents to be smarter then them, more well read, better people. Shouldn't an extraordinary job get an extraordinary person?

In Palin's comments during the VP debate, not only did she wink incessantly, she kept talking about the "Joe Six-packs" and the Hockey moms that she could relate to. As a woman who sincerely respects "average" people I have to admit there are lot of idiots out there, and just because someone is average, doesn't mean they deserve to be President. Every Al Bundy or Susy Homemaker I meet doesnt necesarily have the standout qualities it takes to be a leader. Leaders can come from the middle class, they can be every day people. Jimmy Carter is a perfect example. He wasn't the most educated of presidents, but he wasn't average either. According to his biographers, while all the Joe Six Packs were drinking wiskey and gambling on the submarine, Jimmy was always reading a book, putting together a puzzle.

When Katie Couric asked Sarah Palin what newspapers she read on a regular basis, Gov. Palin couldn't list one. But we can't deny that education is important. Isn't education the American dream, isn't it what helps everyday Joe Blow's climb the social ladder? So why all of a sudden have Republicans and (Hillary Clinton) a certain Democrat called Barack Obama an elitist because he has a bachelors from Columbia University and a Law degree from Harvard? When did getting excellence become elitism? Sarah Palin had to transfer to 6 different colleges to get 1 bachelors in broadcast journalism. Not that it should disqualify her all around, but there was a time when we wanted our elected officials to rise above the crowd. To be outstanding, and being outstanding doesn't always mean being well educated but, it does mean your campaign strategy shouldn't be showing Americans that you are "just like them." I don't think its really that important if I can relate to a Presidential candidate. I need him/her to get the job done.

Although he was a slave owner, racist and mysoginist, Thomas Jeffeson was a philosopher, he was well read, he was a horticulturist, archeologist, palentologist, inventor...the man founded a univerisity! What happened to leaders like that...who were great thinkers, who had visions of how to get things done. It scares me that the direction of politics is who can be the most average? Who can appeal to American voters by seeming just like them. Are we that intimidated by excellence that we'd settle for a mediocre poltician just to make us feel better about ourselves? People get mad at Obama for being a great orator, but weren't Abraham Lincoln and John F Kennedy just that...great orators? Now being able to speak well doesn't always qualify someone for poltical office, but in terms of symbolism, if we are looking at the outside, surface indicators. Why do people prefer the "straight talking Palins" or the moronic George W's to an awe-inspiring Obama?