So anyone who is close with me knows, I've been talking about this every two seconds for the past few weeks. Steve Harvey's new book; Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, the problem is, even the title is problematic for me.
I'm a feminist.
I'm also a Women and Gender Studies Minor, so I'm so entrenched in theory that I forget about the real. Rutgers has one of the premier women and gender studies programs in the US, in part because of the emphasis not just on women's studies, but also on the examination of gender. So all I've been reading and discussing over the past 3 years is "gender is a social construct," "women should be able to have the same choices (sexually and in other areas) as men," and basically it has all gotten to me. I will be honest, there is a great deal of merit in the things that Judith Butler, Drucilla Cornell, Audre Lorde etc argue, but at the end of the day, I live in a non-feminist world.
I've learned that I cannot apply feminist theory to men. It just doesn't work. If I am looking at things through a feminist perspective, then I'm working in the opposite direction of my goal. Anyone who knows me really well knows that I ultimately want an impactful, succesful career, and I also want a succesful happy marriage. (somewhere down the line.)
Everything Steve Harvey says is anti-feminist theory, but everything he says is true.
Case and point:"Act like a lady"--what the heck is a lady? Is there a certain way to eminate femininity? The term lady is an old fashioned way to remind women to be demure, chaste, pious, docile and pious. The old idea is that men didn't want women who were too opinonated, or who spoke to frequently, or who were to open sexually. If a woman was open and comfortable with her sexuality, then she is more likely to demand that a man please her sexually and meet her standards. So to allow men to always set the tone, and have control over women, the concept of acting like a lady comes about.....However, it's true, men do want women who fit the stereotype of feminine. Mr. Harvey tells us (that sounds creepy, like Mr. Harvey is our leader lol) that men still want women to let them feel important, to let them take care of women and to let them open doors and do all those things. So it may not be right, but it may just be the nature of the game. And I can't lie, flowers every now and then and a man who walks on the street side are kind of nice.
"Men like shiny things....A man has never walked across the room because of your brain."
Its so unfortunate, but its true. I used to hate the line from the Destiny's Child song "Cater to You" when Kelly says that nonsense "I'll keep it tight, keep my figure right/I'll keep my hair fixed, rocking the hottest outfits." I used to be so outraged by that, because at the end of the day, we never hear men saying, "yea baby, I'll always have my hair cut, I'll always smell good, I'll always be fit." It's almost like its okay for a man to fall of and get all shlubby, but if a woman does the same, her man has the right to cheat. It's wrong, but that don't make it a lie.
It's so unfair for women, especially in the 21st century, where most women work outside of the home, make our own money, etc. and still statistically speaking, women do the majority of the housework. How am I supposed to go to work, drive kids to school, pack lunches, do laundry, make dinner, balance the checkbook, AND make time to go to the gym, get my hair done, and put makeup on? It's just not fair!!!!
Life lesson: Life's not fair. Men do like shiny things, it may not be fair, it is definitely not easy, but lets face it. It doesn't give him the right to cheat, but it will give him the ammunition. We're human, for the same reason people don't like to eat leftovers for dinner, men still want their girfriends/wives to look nice, and not only nice, hot. Its so messed up, Whitney Casey,the woman who has done the research on this even says, "we have to wear heels!" OMG! HEELS ARE SEXY, BUT THEY ARE NOT COMFORTABLE! It drives me crazy when men are like "oooo wear heels" because they really don't know all that goes into heels. Imagine walking on stilts for hours at a time; waiting in line to get into a club, dancing in the club, on the way back home. It's not easy.
Life lesson: Life's not easy.I've come to the conclusion that women have it harder. But just because we've got it harder doesn't mean we should throw in the towel. If you're interested in dating men and being in heterosexual relationships, you end up participating in a sexist, unfair, cruel, risky game.Sometimes, people win games. I'm competitive, and if I dare put my bid in, I expect to get a high return.I used to think that by participating in all this, dressing up for men, playing the gender role of a lady, and following the dating rules, I was encouraging all these sexist ideas, but at the end of the day, my ideals aren't going to keep me warm at night. So that all being said. I've decided that I'm going to particpate in this sick twisted dame called heterosexual dating. I love black men. So it becomes even more complicated (but that's a whole different topic.) So now I have to learn, and I love my girls, and if I come out on top, I want them to come out on top too.
So without exposing myself to much, I've made 10,000 mistakes when it comes to men and dating. But I'm learning, and learning is really important when it comes to games, you have to observe the patterns of others, and you kind of have to adapt your behavior to the situation your in. I have to admit, I've always been a fan of Steve Harvey's radio show, he's funny, he's a man of faith, he's old school in a very comforting kind of way, so I had a feeling his book would be good. Steve Harvey's book is not good. Steve Harvey's book is the truth. He doesn't tell us what we want to hear, he tells us what we need to hear. I haven't even bought the book yet, but based solely on convos with friends. (Thanks MG, Michael and Jeremy) and on watching/listening to his interviews I've already figured out a lot of my biggest mistakes.
Many of my mistakes are unfair, from a feminist perspective I may not have done anything wrong, but men, black men especially have certain expectations, and certain rules that they almost always follow, and if I break them, I should expect to lose.
So learning from my mistakes, these are the things I'm learning, and I hope we can all do this. Steve does make some great points, women have lowered our standards, especially black women. We know that the odds aren't in our favor, so we are so concerned about not running men off that we've lowered the bar. We've let them get away with things that men from our father's and grandfather's generations would not have dared to do. We are so scared of running a guy off or appearing clingy that we don't say what we really feel from the jump. So these are the things I've learned.
1) As Dr. Seuss says, "Be who you are and say what you feel because the people who matter don't mind and the people who mind don't matter." If you as a woman are looking for a serious relationship. Say so, rather than playing these "i don't want to be clingy" games, just be honest from the gate, if he can't handle that, then don't try to hang on and change his mind, just let him go.
2) DONT GIVE IT UP. I used to be like "oh women should be able to enjoy sex just as much as men, if I want it, why should I have to wait, bla bla bla" But at the end of the day, women and men have different rules about sex, men can have as much sex as they want and still be desirable, when we do it, our value declines. But Steve Harvey explains it even better. When he used to work at Ford Motors, they didn't let people get the benefits package until the end of a 90 day period. We as women have a great benefits package. ;-) So why should we let just anyone get the benefits package until he's proved that he's got what it takes? The 3 month rule is an old one, but its a good one. If he can't wait, he doesn't deserve the cookie. **BONUS:People who wait until their married, usually win. If you can do it, more power to you, it is honorable, amazing and those people will get the majority of the benefits. ***
3) ***Keep it shiny.** Uuuuuggggghhhh I hate this! Heels are annyoing, but even I have to admit my legs look sexier, butt looks hotter, they accentuate everything. I like my glasses, I think they're cute, but I gotta do the contacts, pony tails won't get you a ring, so I have to even get my hair done. All this can be expensive, but thats why we have friends, mix and match, borrow, share services. (I can do a mean doobie, so if someone wants to do my eyebrows we got a deal.)
4) Set the bar high. I work hard, I demand excellence in academics, leadership, morals and everything else. So as hard and as scary as it may seem, I have to expect certain things from men. Steve says it, if a man really likes you, you won't run him off, so without being rude, nasty or stank, make it clear with your actions what you will and will not allow.
5) Men want to "protect, provide, and profess" after 6 months a dude should not still be introducing you as " a friend." (I know these first hand)
6) Ask questions. We don't have to be Shelby Woo or Sherlock Holmes, but if theres something on your mind, ask it. This is probably my worst habit, but if we ask questions up front, we will prevent a lot of post traumatic stress. You'd hate to let someone get the benefits package if they haven't even filled out the application. Steve says, men always have a plan, and guys, you all confirmed this, so it's true, it can't hurt to ask, whats the plan? What are your goals in life? What do you think of me. So thats all I have for now, I'm learning, and it's not easy, but I know what I want in life, and I'm willing to make sacrifices for it. More importantly I'm willing to learn in order to get it.
Ladies: read this book! stop swaping advice with our friends who are in the same situations as us. Gentlemen: if your tagged you are probably a good friend, help us out! You know the secrets, tell us how it works. If you made it all the way down here...thanks for reading. XOXOXO http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfVd7C7bjwQ
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